Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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