living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
