somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
