If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
