We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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