i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
