i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
