does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
