We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
