i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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