you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
