I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
