How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Found the puke drawer
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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