Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
