Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize