hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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