The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
