Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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