Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize