So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
