Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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