apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
