so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
