ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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