This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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