One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize