dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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