I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
