I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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