saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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