Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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