omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
