i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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