I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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