Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
