I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
