I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
