sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
