yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
