NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
