I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
