So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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