I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
