Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Randomize
