eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
