That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
