god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
