see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
