I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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