my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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