things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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