why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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