i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
