she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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