did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
