I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
