I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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