Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
