Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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