She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
