Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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