this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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