I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
