Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
