I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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