Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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